Photo: Our wedding Day Summer 2016 (Suzanne DOES NOT like having her photo being taken, but her husband John does not mind)

Suzanne is in her 80’s. A retired Christian Counselor. One of our family’s closest friends. And here is her two cents.

Sarah: What is your drink of choice these days and why?

Suzanne: Presently my favorite drink is water, cold or hot. But I also like a mixture of tonic and lemon juice --very refreshing. And I make a fruit drink in the blender. (Harder and more expensive now that it is winter.)

Sarah: You are a queen of hospitality. What are three practical pieces of advice you would give to us new-bes about having people in your home?

Suzanne: Three pieces of advice for win-win hospitality where the guests and the hosts both feel special.

Your home doesn’t need to be perfect. The goal is a relaxed acceptance—of your company and of yourself and your house.

(There is a story about my grandmother who when she was having a dinner party would make a point of spilling a little red wine on the table herself so she could announce that the tablecloth was already ruined and everybody could relax.)

2. You don’t need to be a gourmet cook. Guests should be assured that if they don’t like your food you will not be insulted. And if it’s really a disaster, you can always send out for pizza! (I once put leftover chicken livers in the carrot soup. An unfortunate misapplication of “waste not, want not”. And another time it wasn’t until the next day and I found the extra tortillas-- still in the oven.)

3. Guests should feel that you invited them for their company and it is your pleasure to have them in your home and therefore they are your priority. So unless it is a matter of life or death, wait until later to respond to that text.

Sarah: You once told me that time and proximity were two main ingredients for friendship. Can you expound on why you think these are significant? Is there a third element? And if so, why that particular facet of the relationship?

Suzanne: Closeness can be described both emotionally, in relationship, and also physically, in time and space. We tend to choose our friends based on shared interests and activities, enjoyment of being in each other’s company, trust with embarrassing problems, and a myriad of other reasons. But any relationship takes time to develop and nourish and proximity can contribute to the ease with which that is accomplished. Distance relationships are definitely sustainable, but it takes a committed effort to do so. It is usually easier to discern misunderstandings when you are in the presence of the other person. Plus, it’s wonderful to be able to add a hug to words of comfort or a supportive look to words of conflict.

Sarah: You and I have recently talked about friendships that are seasonal. This is a very hard reality to accept, especially for someone like me who wants relationships to remain the same. What wisdom and encouragement would you say to those women who are walking through a change in season; a change or even loss of friendship?

Suzanne: Friendships, just like everything else on this planet that is living, will undergo changes. Relationships will experience changes that can result in an increase in intimacy and closeness, or, because of changing priorities or circumstances of either party, result in a decrease in the closeness previously experienced. Part of maturing, emotionally and spiritually, is accepting the many things that are not within our control. Life circumstances, e.g. our own health, and certainly the behavior and decisions of others is not in our control. There is a time for everything and a season for every purpose under the heavens.

Sarah: You and my mom were very different kinds of women. Some might even say opposites! But your relationship worked and worked well. What were the distinguishing characteristics of what made your relationship work and grow closer over the years?

Suzanne:I can speak specifically to the relationship between your mom and me and some parts of it can be generalized to other relationships. But some are a unique function of what each of us wanted and needed in a friendship.

What is most universal is probably the fact that Shirley and I, as different as we were in so many ways, had a deep respect and appreciation for the kind of person that our different experiences had produced in each other. And I had a trust that exposing my failures and frailties to her would not lessen that sense of appreciation and acceptance.

I believe we were spiritual models and also challenges for each other. (She was more of the model and I was more of the challenge!) And we didn’t allow our differences to be more important than what we had in common. As disappointed and bewildered that I was that your mom didn’t like sushi, we both accepted that difference and didn’t make going out for sushi a part of our relationship.

Similarly to what I said about hospitality being a win-win, I believe your mother and I enjoyed each other’s company in equal measure. Plus, your mom made me laugh, including at myself, and she gave great hugs and massages.

For what it's worth, here it is.

-Suzanne