Small Groups — One Another

If you’ve been around church culture for any amount of time you’ll quickly learn that “small groups” are the best way to get plugged-in to your local church. That’s true! As you know, small groups typically represent a smaller version of our local church bodies. At our church we call small groups, “K-Groups” (the “K” stands for Koinonia which means, “Christian fellowship” or “communion,” which I love.). Typical small groups meet once a week and will include some combo of studying the Bible, praying together, having potlucks or even hosting fun social times (which in my personal opinion is a must. Christians need to have more fun together). Sundays are tricky because in most congregations you can slip in and out without drawing too much attention to yourself. But when you walk into a stranger's house for that first small group–that's when shit-gets-real. Well, at least, we hope it does.

I think we initially all join a small group with high hopes that this group of people will be where we feel like we finally belong. Let’s be real–most adults are trying to relive those college glory days when being a new Christian was the high-of-your-life and “doing life” with your people was literally-the-best. Now, this season was not without trials, but was a really golden chapter in your faith journey–at least that was my experience. Now here we are five, ten, fifteen years removed from those good ol’ college days and you might be thinking: “Where are my people? Will we ever find a good small group that fits us? Will people ever really know me or my family’s story?” These are good questions and good desires. However, I fear that so much of what’s wrong with small groups is that we are all collectively suffering from the same problem: the sin of selfishness, self preservation or even simply having unrealistic expectations for other people to meet all our needs spiritually, emotionally and practically. I wonder if instead of asking, “What am I going to get out of my small group?” What if we reversed the question: “What can I give to my small group?”

There are five central things that come to my mind when I think about small groups. Now even if all of these points are put into practice it doesn’t mean your small group will be perfect. We are all still humans. But when I have seen people put these points below into action, it has really been beautiful and special.

Serving Others: Are you others focused?
Have you heard of that ego checker story? If you were given a photograph of yourself in a group, which person would you look at first? It’s gonna be you, your face that you check first. I think the same mentality can be true when you are part of a small group. When you walk in the room there can be this self-serving mentality that says, “What am I going to get out of this group tonight?” But let’s check ourselves and be real. Perhaps the Lord is calling you and I to grow up. Matthew 20:28 says, “just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Or Luke 22:27, Jesus says, “For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.” Or John 13:3-7, “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” These and so many other passages from the New Testament remind us that Christ, our Savior and King chose to serve us first. Likewise we are called to serve others before ourselves. But how do you serve others? I think it’s pretty simple, friends. If there is someone in your small group who has a lot of children, ask if there’s any way you can be of service to them that night. Maybe that looks like holding a sleeping baby so mom can be fully present in the discussion. Or maybe there is an older widow in your group who needs help getting in and out of her car - be the first to offer her a hand. Maybe someone shares a prayer request, but time runs out and small group has to end. Before they leave, ask them if they still want prayer. Doesn’t have to be longwinded. Sometimes short and sweet is all ya need guys. And in moments like that it’s probably more meaningful that you were intentional to seek them out and pray together than the actual prayer request itself.

Say The Hard thing: Do you have the courage to say the hard thing?
Over the last several years of counseling I have learned about how silence and passiveness affect relationships. When a person chooses to be vulnerable and share a hard thing (sin, hard circumstances, grief, etc.), but the recipient chooses silence or passive behavior, that silence communicates indifference and indifference communicates that you don’t care. My counselor even told me once that it would be better to say something, perhaps even “wrong” or potentially hurtful than to choose silence. You can always ask for forgiveness, or seek reconciliation, but silence is literally the silent killer of relationships. Friends, silence is too common in the context of our small groups, so I invite you to say what’s on your heart rather than to choose silence. I think topics such as grief, sin or secret struggles, depression, etc. scare people. I’ve seen this many, many times. But we are called to not be afraid. I want to invite you this fall to not be afraid of things that you don’t understand because God does! I think all we have to do is be obedient to the calling on our lives: Love God and love others. So perhaps to the grieving friend you could say, “I don’t know what to say, but I grieve with you.” The friend who confesses sin might need to hear, “Thank you for having the courage to say what’s really going on. I too struggle with…(fill in the blank). The friend who struggles with even knowing if they are saved or not might need to hear, “I have never struggled with doubt, but I have a friend who used to…would it be helpful to connect you with them?” Let us be humble and courageous as we move towards each other in love.

Freezer Meals, Gift Cards–Go!: Is your freezer stocked and ready to go?
It’s not if a crisis happens, it's when. We are people of hope, confident in our good Father and His plan. However, it would be naive to believe that we’re all just going to roll through this life without the weathering and trials and suffering that the scriptures describe in each generation. So with all wisdom and discernment evaluate your financial situation, your giftings, capacity and prepare a simple plan for how you might respond to moments of birth, death or any kind of life transition. Freezer meals can be very economical and very practical because they can last in the freezer for so long. Perhaps you become a person who just has a stack of Chick-fil-A gift cards always at the ready to give away when needed. Or maybe you have a friend who is a chef or a baker and they make delicious things; hire their services if you want something home made but don’t have the time or desire yourself. I think gift cards for grocery stores are also a great option, too. And please don’t overlook or be prideful over even the simplest of offerings like buying a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter & jelly or a frozen pizza and bagged salad. It’s the showing up that matters most after all. One of my go-to meals for friends who have kids (aka picky eaters) is chicken & waffles. We make a large batch of waffles and freeze them. They reheat really well in the microwave, or for crunchy--throw in the toaster. For the chicken it’s nuggets, chicken strips or a whole roasted chicken. Butter + maple syrup and boom - dinner.

Ready with the Word: Is the Word written on your heart?
This is pretty obvious, but sometimes the obvious becomes white noise to us Christians. So let’s remind our soul again: study the scriptures like your life depends on it; like your brother and sister’s life depends on it. The Word is alive; alive & powerful. The Bible is not just practical wisdom for how to live a good life but the Word is Holy and a supernatural connection to our God and one another. Perhaps one of the most obvious but under-practiced aspects of small group life is encouraging one another with the Word of God. I’m not talking about teaching, preaching, debating or correcting with the Word. What I’m talking about is this: as we study the scriptures on our own, meditate on them day & night, pray according to the scriptures in our prayer closets that when we do gather together the Word just overflows in our speech to one another. I’m talking about when you’re praying with your brothers and sisters and the Holy Spirit brings a bible verse to the forefront of your mind. You can share that with great courage and all humility because that verse or passage has the potential to be a deeply personal encouragement to the recipient. The practice of speaking and praying the Words of the Holy scriptures to one another will give you and others life and the encouragement that we all need. God’s word never returns void (Isaiah 55:11). So maybe for you one practical way that this could look like is this: let’s say your friend shares a prayer request. Write down that prayer request when you are home the following days or weeks and as you study the scripture yourself and pray for your friend, ask the Lord if there's a bible verse that would be encouraging for their hearts. Or perhaps someone takes a leap of faith and chooses to be vulnerable before the group, thank them for sharing, and call upon the Holy Spirit in your heart and ask the Lord for the bible verse that would encourage their heart or free them from the lies of the Enemy.

Vulnerability: How deep are you willing to go? Vulnerability means: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. Now, no one wants to be wounded, right? But deeper, more meaningful relational connection will never happen if there is no vulnerability in the room. And honestly this topic deserves its own blog post because there is just so much to unpack. But for now I’ll just say for my husband and I the groups and individuals we have felt most connected to have been those who we have chosen to be vulnerable with and they with us. There is a deep trust there. And the trust is birthed out of: confessions of our true humanity, sin and struggle which in turn has been received with good listening ears, grace and love. Not with fear, criticism, or silence. And I should add, not with the attitude of “I can fix this for you…all you need to do is this…” You know those people I’m talking about. There is also a dark side to vulnerability. Sometimes when you share hard things you will be met with criticism or silence. And some will be filled with fear and will ghost you. This has happened to my husband and I and I’m sure to you, too. The good news is God heals our wounded hearts. He is such a good-good Father & Healer. And God has created a way for us to continue in relationship with one another - repentance & forgiveness! These are hard things to practice but they change everything when we do.

I’m not sure of your fall plans but I hope it includes joining a small group. It won't be perfect. It won’t meet all of your needs, but there is just so much potential for you to grow in Christ and grow in community. God bless it.

- Sarah