The Lord made the human mind to hold and cherish clear concepts. Naming things helps us make sense of the world (Gen. 2:19). That is why solving a problem that has not been named is frustrating. When a chronic problem has not been properly named, we are unable to think clearly about it and figure out how to solve it (e.g., think of the solutions created by the microscope and the Germ Theory of Disease). Codependency is a chronic problem in friendship that often goes unnamed.

Codependency is a fashionable and overused concept, but it is a term that captures a problem mentioned in the Bible – epithumia, which is an over desire of any kind. It can take either one of two directions: towards God or towards inordinate attachment. When directed away from God, it creates codependency in relationships.

What are some signs of codependency? You feel guilty if you tell your friend no or do something without her present. You feel responsible for helping him with his problems. You frequently worry about your friend. Your friend’s problems seem like they’re your problems. You become your friends primary source of emotional support. Consciously or unconsciously, one person in the friendship assumes the role of “giver” by offering the majority of the emotional or mental support. The other friend unintentionally becomes the “taker.” Problems arise in the friendship when the taker–who is most in need of support–is unable to give the same in return. The imbalance of power leans towards the taker’s needs, which leaves the giver depleted.

What are some common reasons for this imbalance? Friendships start out feeling great. There is a close connection. One person feels a sense of purpose and joy in helping another resolve pain. Conversely, the other rejoices in being loved, included, and accepted. The friendship is soul-satisfying. Over time though the God-given desire for connection can become an over desire that leads one away from true love. When this happens, the relationship suffers. The friendship is exhausting. Your friend doesn’t seem to be there for you when you’re struggling. Your friend starts to feel like an impatient fixer. Your friend has unrealistic expectations of you and becomes demanding and hurtful. It’s hard to share your own feelings.You feel resentful.

None of these symptoms in and of themselves mean a friendship is unhealthy. The problem is the intensity felt. Healthy friendships meet the needs of both people. Its normal for there to be some imbalance in the short-term, but true love creates self-differentiation, which maintains harmony.

What is the path of healing?

First, identify the problem. Name it. If you love helping and serving others, it’s easy to become unaware of hidden heart wounds moving you beyond God-given boundaries. And in turn, if you have a strong sense of loneliness and unresolved pain from the past, it is easy to crave inclusion, love, and support in an inordinate fashion. We all have blind allies or unresolved pain shaping how we relate.

Second, rest in Jesus. Boundaries are not the real problem. The solution is deeper. Practice abiding in Him. Cultivate your friendship with Jesus. He longs for you to draw near (Jn 14:18). Be intentional in reading and feeding your soul biblical truth. To do this you’ll need to create space between you and the other person, at least for a season. Putting off an over desire is hard work (Col. 3:5), but it’s one that leads to God and true life. Ask Jesus to show you what is off kilter in your life. Ask Him to show you what it means to embody the kind of love described in Rom. 12 and I Corinthians 13. Invite trusted friends into this conversation with you and Jesus.

Third, expect a season of pain and grief before healing comes. Letting go of an over desire feels like you are losing self, not just a friendship, but the over desire is actually sabotaging it. This old pattern must die for true friendship to rise up in its place. Soul surgery requires you to allow the gospel to cut and heal the deeper issues of your heart. Reach out to your pastor or a godly friend. Don’t take this path alone.

Rev. Dr. Duane D. Otto