So I turned 40 this past fall and let me tell you I felt so loved arriving at this milestone. My husband and friends made it so special. Which was just an incredible blessing especially since my birthday happened on the heels of our fifth consecutive miscarriage. I think for a lot of women their 30s are the golden years of women hood: hitting their stride in their job, identities are defined, relatively good health, having lots of kids, feeling like they finally belong and have community, close friends. Ya know, the good stuff. I remember my mom’s best friend even telling me, “You’re gonna love your 30’s.” Wow, was she wrong. My 30’s have just been, tough. To be honest, a lot of death, a lot of grief and a lot of change. There’s been a big turn over in friends, social circles, change in churches, and well our marriage…we almost didn’t make it. A lot has happened over the last ten years. But if I look back I can count redemption stories. Not a lot, but enough. I do see the goodness of God and his mercy and compassion for me through these trials. He has answered some significant prayers…and others he has not. I’m still learning to trust him in that and sorting out my theology surrounding why the Lord doesn’t answer certain prayers and gives a resounding yes to others. All that to say, I am very much looking forward to my 40’s because hope has once again filled my eyes. Christ has reminded me again of what this life is all about.

When I was in my 20’s I really thought I knew what it meant to be a “good friend.” 20 years later, ha! What a joke. I knew nothing. Here I am at 40 and the view from here is a real mixed bag of healing, still in process, eating humble pie and feeling a deep gratitude for the women I call my friends. Here’s my two cents on friendship regardless if you’re 20 something or way beyond.

Part 1: Relationship with Christ

Having a covenant with Christ is our main stay. It’s unshakable. It's assurance. It’s forever. He will never leave us (Matthew 28:20). He won't betray us or go back on his word. He never breaks a promise (2 Corinthians 1:20). What a God we serve. But close relationship - friendship with Christ is a different aspect of God that is almost beyond comprehension if you really think about it: The God of the universe calls us friends. John 15:15 says, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” How can that be? Who are we? I don’t know about you, but I feel deeply unworthy to be called a friend of God. But yet, he does. Not only does he call us friend, but he does it with pride. For those who believe, we will arrive in heaven and not only will our photos be on “the fridge of heaven” (anyone know that early 2000’s sermon reference?), but like my pastor said just last week, God is going to put his everlasting arm around us and say, “Everyone! This is___ (fill in your name here)!” and He will proceed to list off our most beautiful qualities, treasured memories together, how beautiful and precious he thinks we are. On-and-on. I can imagine the scene would even be too much to bear but his love, his great-great love and kindness will hold us fast in the glow of that moment. We will come into the full realization that we have not only been saved from every sinful thing we’ve ever done - known and unbeknownst to us, but as a bonus, as a pure gift of God we will be fully known and embraced as a friend of Jesus. I don’t even have words to describe just the pure bliss and shalom that will be when we meet him face-to-face at last as our savior and our friend.

One of my personal favorite aspects of friendship with God (and I’m sure is one of yours, too), because God is spirit, there are these deeply personal moments when by his mercy and grace he opens our eyes and he reveals beauty when all we had seen just moments before was evil or darkness. For example when I was single, I just felt alone. So alone at times. It seemed all my friends were happily married coming home at night to their dinners for two, their TV show pal and good night hugs or whatever married couples do (Just kidding. I know what married people are doing)! I, like many other single people, would come home to no one. An empty house with another box of spaghetti and sauce. But I can’t tell you how many times Holy Spirit came upon me and made my heart glad. In my prayer time alone in my room, I would cry out to the Lord. He would hear my cries and he would fill my heart with a genuine peace and contentment in my circumstances. He would in fact change my heart to be grateful for things that had been a grief to me. Now, this didn’t happen all the time, but often pals. He really satisfied my heart with his love. His love sustained me and reminded me again and again of my identity in Christ. Not in “being single” but being in fellowship with God, belonging to his Church and experiencing close relationship with Christ.

Or perhaps you can relate to this: When you and your husband are not feeling close, be that days, weeks, months or years…God is your truest companion and friend. My husband and I experienced a brief season of separation a few years ago. To date, the darkest season I’ve known. I found myself home alone again; wishing I could go back to those good ol’ ‘single days.’ But I knew-that I knew-that I knew-that the Lord was with me and whatever may come God would hold me fast. I was physically alone but I was not alone in my heart. In that season I had some of the most raw and uncensored conversations that I ever have with God. Things that I would never utter out loud to even my closest friends and nor should I, honestly. But God can handle me in my despair. He can hold me in my brokenness. He can, as the people say, hold space for my doubts and most perplexing questions. That's the kind of friend we need. Don’t get me wrong we need friends and fellowship, but what our souls crave is friendship with the living God. Maybe part of the journey for you is and growing in closeness with the Lord is just having it out with him when you are faced with trials. The good news is, he can take it. And he gets-it. He gets you. He gets me. We don't even have to say a word! Romans 8:26 - 27 says, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us though wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Wow. WOW. Thank you God that you make it so easy for us to be known by you. We want it and we need it.

Friendship with God is sensing in those dark nights of the soul that the presence of God is with you in the darkness. You know-that you know-that you know that you are not alone. Your closest friends might not get your grief. Your husband might be blind or oblivious to notice the season you are walking through. Your mother, or mother figure, your truest confidant might live far away or even be dead and gone But God is with you and he is not going anywhere. There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother and his name is Jesus. If you’ve never asked God to reveal himself to you as your friend, I would just invite you to simply ask him to do so. I’m not sure what that will look like for you, but I know he will give you your heart's desire on this matter. He is a jealous God who wants to make himself known to you, and for you to know him.

In conclusion, what we are talking about is living breathing fellowship with Christ. I’m not talking about “quiet time” where you read the bible, pray and then be on your way. Yes! We need to do that (obviously), but I’m talking about abiding in Christ. Or as my favorite monk, Brother Laurence would say, “practice the presence of God.” He has a great story about prepping potatoes and while doing so, he meets with God and they commune together and so it can be with us. We can enjoy God while we drink our coffee. We can call upon his name while we wash our dishes. We can worship him while we walk in our neighborhoods. We can ask him all the questions while we drive in our cars. In these seemingly mundane moments God is with you and we can have communion with him anywhere, anytime anyplace because he is omnipresent. And you can be assured that when God says he is with you, he is really with you. He loves you. He loves you and he likes you. And he wants to meet you where you are today.