Part 2: Friendships and when they change

I don’t think people enter into friendship thinking, “This will probably only last 2-5 years. I’m cool with that.” NO! No one would even enter into any friendships if that was the case! Ha! Or maybe you would but that sounds terrible to me. I think a really tough aspect of being a Christain here in a fallen world is that friendships just change. When a friendship changes it’s not just saying, “Oh things are just different now, no biggy.” The reality is that any change is a loss that has to be grieved. There are various degrees of loss, but all change is loss nonetheless. Don’t get me wrong, some friends are “lifers” or your “ride-or-dies,” but the truth is friendships often do change and some of us experience that more frequently than others.

Common ways that friendships change: graduating from college, getting married, moving, having children, losing a spouse, etc. Then there are the unique ways that friendships change: Maybe, like my parents, you discover that you’ve invested your whole life in a cult! You decide to leave said cult and in so doing you lose your community and some of your closest friends. Or maybe, similarly to one of my friends (we’ll call her Jen), Jen discovers on a girls’ trip that one of her “besties” has a very unhealthy attachment to her. Enmeshment? Control issues? Idolatry? Who can say?! The only path forward for Jen was to end the friendship. Cold turkey. Less extreme: your political convictions shift. A friend’s interpretations of scripture alters. Hell! One day you might just be able to finally articulate something that you’ve been in denial about for years: you just don’t like “Suzie-q” anymore! Ouch. A real surprise for me in my 30s was how grief affected me and my friendships. I asked a friend who recently lost her mother and her sister both to cancer, “Have you lost any friends in the grieving process?” She replied quickly, “All of them, basically.” Grief has the potential of drawing friends closer as they walk through loss, tragedy, or trauma. However, equally as possible is for grief to kill a friendship before either party even knows what happened.

Now I understand this is a broad question, “How do you love your friends well, when the friendship changes?” Friendships are as unique as there are people on this planet. So I have to confess this essay will not even come close to answering this question. But I think it’s incredibly important for Christians to consider this question because it’s not a matter of “if they will change” but rather, “when they change.” When a friendship changes, there’s often an uprooting that happens. Insecurities are exposed, fear of losing what you had comes to light. For example, when a friend moves away or is not as available as they had been in previous seasons it can expose all kinds of things: idolatry, covetousness, or jealousy, to name a few. From this point I see two paths forward: 1. You can allow sin to stay as a house guest or 2. Repent and invite the Lord to take you on a closer walk with him.

I think change in friendship can be a scary thing but here’s the good news: From the beginning, we were made to be with God, the only one who never changes. He is unchanging. He is the same God as he was in the Garden of Eden. He is the same God who died on the cross for our sins. He is the same God who knew you in the womb, drew you to himself, drew you to repentance and changed your story forever. He will be the same God to our children when we are long gone. Generation after generation He is the same. The character of God is also the same, day-to-day. He loves us unconditionally. His mercies are new every morning. He is patient with us. He is kind to us. He smiles upon us. He is the only one who can meet us where we are at everyday the same way because He is God. I think it is so vital for us to give ourselves over to the consideration, meditation, and contemplation of our spiritual reality, which is this: we are fully loved and made secure in the love of God; that will never change.

How do we love people when the relationship changes? Be it a betrayal, a move, a misunderstanding, or you just grow apart…

Cling to that which is unchanging, our good-good Father. Fall upon his grace and compassion. He is so good. So kind. So tender to the broken hearted. Who were we made for? Who do our hearts really long to be close to? Who is the only one who can satisfy our souls? It is Christ! How often we forget. He is the Father, the Son, and the Spirit. There’s something about being in relationship with the triune God that fascinates me: We need God as a Father, a parental figure. We need the Son, as a friend who is closer than a brother. And we need the Holy Spirit, the one who dwells within us! And these three are one. We were made to be secure in his love.
Surrender the gift that is friendship and accept that it will change at some point. And be comforted, God is holding you and your people. I like the imagery of holding friends in the palms of two open hands. There’s care there, holding, enjoying, but the hands are always open because we do not possess our friends. We do not own them and we can’t control them. And we can’t wave them around like an Oscar we just won for best friend performance. Friends are such a good lesson in surrendering expectations and accepting and enjoying people for who God made them to be. Friendships are of God. A gift given, never earned, deserved, or won by works. There’s a lot to be said for when a friendship ends, but rest easy in the mystery because we believe that God is sovereign and He does work all things for good for those who love Him. You might be surprised in the future by the friendships that the Lord redeems for his glory and our good.
Forgive, as you have been forgiven. One of the most radical things I witnessed when my mom was dying of cancer was how a few of her close friends were silent or never showed up for her. I was so mad and confused. I asked my mom, “Why are you not angry at her?! You’re the one who’s dying!” Hot tears came quick for me. But mom had already surrendered and accepted. She was also so full of peace as she said, “Sarah, I don’t have time for that.” I was cut to the core by the Spirit and the beauty of my mom in that moment. My mom knew what it meant to ‘forgive as you have been forgiven” in a way that I didn’t. We went on to talk about surrender, releasing people and loving them for who they are, not what they do or don’t do for us. I confess I was so hot with anger that it was hard to listen, but as time has passed that conversation comes back to me again and again. Forgiveness is the thing.

I’m 41 now. Damn! How’d I get here? A lot has changed over the last 10 years. I feel that deeply. As I’ve walked through my own changes and losses in friendships, I’m reminded again that I want to follow Christ, and be changed by him. I guess when you think about it, the truth is: not all change is loss. For us Christians, as we are changed by Christ, we become more radiant, more graceful, more fearless, more beautiful, more free. More like Him. These are not losses to be grieved like with human friendships; rather, good gifts that we want to share with others. How could we keep such a gift to ourselves?